I had been struggling with two sides of mine, one is a heart centred soul self and the other is a over protective ego self. My ego self has done a great job protecting me during very difficult times as a young child and adult. It has served me by keeping me away from my own truth which was very difficult to accept. It feels like having the proverbial devil on one side and the angel on the other side of my head sitting on my shoulders. One tells me "do this" the other tells me to "slow down and give it more thought". My whole life I had felt like my personality was split in half, I had two personalities, two selves, two ways of thinking and two answers to every question; this had been very confusing to me during my life. It lead to me not being able to make decisions, my partners had laughed at me because I couldn't make up my mind about anything, I couldn't choose one and leave the other. Sometimes I would eat three desserts instead of just choosing the one ;-)
I was always worried about making the "wrong" decision. This also stemmed from my childhood, when I had chosen paths that lead me to discovering parts of my truth which ended up causing huge problems. My fear of trusting my intuition or my soul guidance grew as I was being told I was wrong about something I knew I was right about. I was a child, I didn't have the courage to stand up to adults. Even if they were wrong and I was correct. Eventually, I shut down my heart and my soul guidance and began to simply trust my ego who would always protect me and keep me save. It kept me from being "detected". We also call this "living in denial".
I found most people choose to live in denial over a truth. It is because they cannot handle nor explain the truth, if it makes no clear sense then it becomes difficult to explore it or accept it as a possibility. And that is exactly where you should look a little closer. That is where your truth is hiding. In the parts you decided to forget about. For a long time, I had little memories of my childhood and never could participate in talking about the past and things I had experienced. I had shut it out completely. Why? The brain has the ability to shut out experiences you cannot categorize or that which are difficult to comprehend from a lower consciousness level. But once you reach adulthood and you allow your awareness to grow, you will begin to recollect old memories and start to understand your story. It takes a bit of an awakening and raising your consciousness to reach those levels of "remembering" parts of who you are. I was very surprised at what I was rediscovering about myself. Since then it has been an incredible journey. I had some very hard times and felt I may not make it out of it alive, the void is a deep bottomless pit, but once you realize that you won't hit ground ever, you begin to manifest something to help you rise from your fall, first you may extend your jacket to slow the fall a bit, then you may realize you have this balloon in your backpack and you begin to rise a bit again, then you understand that your shoes contain a rocket device and suddenly you zoom up to higher grounds.
It takes time to realize things about yourself and then it takes courage to implement what you have, to help you rise again from the ashes. But once you do, you realize how powerful you are and how much your experiences have taught you. Then you decide to share them with others and you find you connect with people who understand you, then you form relationships and suddenly, your depression, anxiety and self hatred disappears. You have come to learn what it means to love yourself again.
Today I picked three cards from a deck I received from my friend Laurie, its called "the answer is simple". I shuffled it and asked my spirit what is standing in my way from fully expressing myself or to step forward and create the amazing ideas that have been floating in my head for years. What is holding me back?
The answer is simple; its my ego. The very thing I thought was protecting me from the harshness of the world and other people.
The cards told me to stop talking to my ego as it confuses me, but to reconnect with spirit and talk to god, the second card was "open your heart" we often will close our heart to protect ourselves, but when we do that we are not open to self love and also repulse others trying to show us love, affection or even the universe trying to shower us with blessings. With a closed heart, we cannot give nor receive love and blessings. There is no exchange of love, energy or compassion. Transformation happens when we let go of ego and allow our hearts to open again, this may need a bit of courage and showing some vulnerability. The third card that popped out was "clean up your mess". Realize the damage the ego does to you and others. Understand the effects and allow yourself to open up to see the problem, allow yourself to fix the problem. Think about how something you said or did has negatively affected others, how others had to clean up your mess for you. Just because you wanted a tree to be a rabbit, doesn't mean that you had the right to just cut the branches to make it look like a rabbit. Remember to connect with your heart and your spirit in meditation regularly, to calibrate yourself, to learn how to quiet the ego for some time so you can hear clear answers to your questions and receive clear guidance on your path in life, this will help you to make clear and precise decisions that come from your authentic spirit. Ask yourself always; is it true? is it necessary? and is it loving?
With that said, I truly feel that we have always tried to abide to what is commonly accepted and what other people want us to do or say. I find this extremely boring and I also feel that none of that serves the greater good. I have had so many experiences which I have not yet shared with anyone except my partner, out of fear of what anyone would say or think about me. This fear again stems from my childhood but also from my ancestral lines, the fear of being exposed and standing more fully in my truth. But it also is very empowering once you take that step ahead, drop your fears and dare to leap into the unknown.
It is only from here, the unknown, from where greatness can be born.
I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts, love and light on your journey of Life
Reiki Master, Angelic Medium, Author and MLT
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"The Answer is Simple" Oracle cards by Sonia Choquette