Five years ago, my world was put upside down when I was discovering the reasons behind my years of depression and feeling like there was something there that I couldn’t remember.
I remembered my childhood trauma, which my mind had cleverly pushed away over many years to try to protect me from the reality of that.
Letters went for and back between me and my mother, her apologizing for not being present enough as a mother. She finally admitted to some of my recovered trauma memories and validated them enough for me to not feel so crazy. My truth was being validated, this gave me the strength to keep going and dive deeper into my past, recovering thoughts, emotions and details I did not have in my mind for decades.
Puzzle pieces were falling into place when I correlated the information with behaviors and conversations I had with people later in my life, the strange questions and comments from my abuser that never made sense, now suddenly made a lot of sense. There were so many signs but because I did not remember the abuse, I was unable to put the pieces together before.
I soon realized that my mother had betrayed me, which felt like the carpet being pulled from under my feet.
I felt that my safety, health, and well-being never mattered.
I began to ask her some serious questions, which she would avoid. I understood at that moment on the phone that we would never be able to have anything to talk about anymore. I was hoping that by ignoring her all together, she would come around and talk to me about everything honestly, but I was waiting for years without anything more then a message about what’s happening in her life, or a happy birthday.
My mother, as I knew her, had officially died for me.
I was grieving the loss of a mother that is still alive, I was grieving the loss of a lover that was never mine and I was grieving the loss of a person I once trusted who was abusive toward me. I was also grieving the loss of a mother-in-law that felt to me like a mother I never had before. She was the one who took the place of my mother when I moved to Canada from Switzerland. The divorce was difficult for her as well, as I am sure, she lost a daughter in that process.
I have grieved a lot of losses that were not due to physical death.
Each loss has given me the gift of a new perspective in life.
I realized that my life experiences and how I felt about myself was a direct result of how I treated myself, which was the product of how I was treated as a child.
I had to relearn how to treat myself right to change my life experiences. So, I began to re-establish self love and respect and I kept my promises in every area of my life.
The gift of my losses showed me the way back home, to myself.
Becoming comfortable with my vulnerabilities in the process was a key aspect of healing. Our vulnerabilities often keep us from expressing ourselves fully. Just like my mother, I was trying to pretend that everything was okay when nothing was okay. The very words my sister once spoke to her when we were children;
“Why are you always acting like everything is okay when nothing is, okay?”
We pretend because we are not comfortable with our truths.
We worry about exposing our own truths. Because we believe that our truths are our vulnerabilities which will be used against us. They have been used against us in the past or we had been gaslighted over it. Not having our truths validated by others who could have validated them but wouldn’t because that meant that they had to admit to their faults. I was as much of a victim of that as I was the perpetrator.
What is it with humans always wanting to be more dominant than another? Why are humans so interested in always keeping the upper hand? Why are humans so narcissistic?
The reason lays in our history, our family dynamics and our inability to work on ourselves, something we should have been taught in school or our parents should have told us how to do.
It is also about survival, the instinct from our reptilian brains.
Self work is key in changing our world, on the small scale and at large.
We are so judgmental over others and their situations, their perspectives, their ideas, their way of living and being. I want to challenge you to tell yourself every time you feel triggered and going into judgment;
“It is okay for others to think differently then me…”
It is okay to admit to faults, it is okay to be wrong, it is okay to not have it all sorted out, it is okay to not have all trauma memories back and in order, it is okay to not love your mother anymore, it is okay to not be happy only being a mother, it is okay to show your anger over an injustice, it is okay not to be perfect, it is okay not to be okay.
It is okay to admit that nothing is okay and it is oaky to talk about it.
Less judgment and more compassion can lead to open and honest conversations that may lead to miraculously unfolding resolutions.
More on this and why others are not able to hold space for us on my podcast: https://anchor.fm/sabrina-goeldlin
Sabrina S. Goeldlin
"I am a seeker of truth. I exist to inspire greater understanding in others. As a spiritual guide, I help others see the miracle of their true self."
“Living Your Truth”
This is for PICK UP only, please go to my Etsy shop to purchase and ship by mail.
13 authors came together to write about living your truth, image and the influencer. An incredible anthology of some amazing magical people who share their experience and expertise with you. They are coaches, professionals and inspirational speakers of our time, located in the Toronto Ontario region of canada. Read my chapter about finding your true self! how I have come to do what I do today and how I came to realize my true story and how to live a life of authenticity and wholesomeness. Living Your Truth is about your truth, how to find it, live it and know what it means. A compilation of 14 personal stories from authors of the previous books published by Ronnie Swais.
Thought Leaders, Visionaries & Influencers
This is for PICK UP only, Please visit my Etsy Shop for purchase and shipping by mail.
2018, 2019 and 2020 will be a time of real change. We are entering a period of social impact, authenticity and spirituality.
A time of economic shifts, acceptance of diversity and demands of social justice. (Wow it really turned out this way!)
This book has brought together Thought Leaders, Visionaries and Influencers to share their stories for insights, knowledge, inspiration and motivation.
They will provide leadership for others in a fast changing world.
"Hillsburgh's Angel" Sacred Space Energy Cleanse
“You are the salt of the earth and the light to the world” my angel told me over thirty years ago while I was reading a children's bible.
The sacred space salt scrub is an incredible tool to use in the shower for the purpose of clearing your energy field and soothing your muscles after a day at work. Let the mineral rich dead sea salt, grade A Himalayan salt and essential oils blessed by the angels clear off your energy field and leave you refreshed with new confidence and poise.
The salt scrub is soothing for the muscles and leaves the skin refreshed and moisturized, it should be used after the regular wash, before you rinse and dry yourself. Containing coconut oil, rose, citrus oils, patchouli and frankincense essential oil essences amongst others.
It may slightly vary depending on availability and inspiration.
You should avoid prolonged exposure of skin to the sun for at least 12 hours afterwards due to citrus oils making the skin more photo sensitive. Use it in the evening if you know you are going to be outside.
I only use pure tested grade and organic oils for my products.
Salt scrubs may be corrosive for some types of bathtubs, rinse thoroughly with warm water afterwards.
"Angels of the Highest Realms" Sacred Space Spray
“Angels Of The Highest Realms” sacred space spray, created to prepare your space for highest divine guidance to enter and to clear space after your work with intense frequencies. A calming scent that freshens the air with pure essential oils diffused in spring water and witch hazel. Each bottle is blessed by the angels in a sacred ritual I perform to infuse it with the highest vibrations from the angelic realms, charged by crystals before it’s shipped to you.
"Hillsburgh's Angel" Sacred Space Detox Bath Salts
Made with the intention to detoxify the body, mind and spirit.
The linen bags are home made and contain Epsom and Dead Sea salts that have been blessed by the angels. Containing a special combination of pure grade essences and just a touch of dried lavender and rose petals, this sacred space salt blend is meant to help clear your energy from EMF and GMF with the salts natural negative ions, assist the bodies natural detox abilities and remove emotional and psychic interferences. Specially created with the empath in mind.
"Calling All Angels" Ancient Oils Personal Fragrance
“Calling All Angels” Beautiful ancient essential oil essences chosen with angelic guidance. Each vial contains pure, unadulterated essential oils and organic fractionated coconut oil in a beautiful glass roller bottle to be applied to strategic points for a personal scent and to induce feelings of peace and joy. Current selection contains a combination of rose, frankincense, hyssop, myrtle and citrus oils.
Each vial is consecrated with the highest intent for your own remembrance and awakening of your true self. The true self is always the higher and greater divine self, liberated from human programming. Specifically designed for the infinite self on its journey to remembrance and self realization.
The combination of oils are chosen through inner guidance and may not always be the exact same scent as the previous time you ordered.